Emblem of the Papacy: Triple tiara and keys. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
I have decided a while ago not to talk about religion or politics on this blog, although I would talk about morality if that’s what the subject needed. This time, I need to make an exception and tackle the taboo, inspired by many great friends of mine who expressed their (usually contradictory to mine) opinion.
The new Catholic Pope, Francis, is already in office, and I thought: Okay. This is bound to cause another wave of criticism and denigration of the Church. This is something I accept with humility, as it is not unjustified. The acts of some members of the Church are sometimes so revolting, that I cannot contain the anger within me.
Below is a set of slightly disconnected thoughts; on Church; on faith; on future. I know it’s very unpopular to be defending the Church nowadays. It’s better to say a few words about how you despise it, and you’re bound to get an agreeing crowd. Throw in Dawkins or Hitchens and no one dares to disagree with you.
This is not a pamphlet for or against religion; it’s just a statement by someone at the crossroads.
***
You think that was guilt when I talked about the Introverts? Believe me, the Extrovert’s Remorse has nothing on the guilt I feel being a Catholic. I am ashamed of the state of the Church in so many areas. I am ashamed of the terrible, terrible cases of child abuse, money mismanagement, gross intolerance and simple everyday sleaze of so many Catholics and Catholic so-called leaders (I say so-called, as I do not see them as my leaders). I am ashamed of the despicable treatment of homosexuals, who, for goodness’ sake, are people just like everyone else (I fear Francis and I will continue to disagree here).
Debate between Catholics and Oriental Christians in the 13th century, Acre 1290. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
On other dogmas: even though I understand (I’m careful not to say – agree with) the reasoning behind the right to life and when life starts in Catholic terms, I do not understand the reasons behind the ban on contraception, neither in everyday scenarios nor especially when it can help save lives (by protecting against the spreading of diseases, for example). Obviously, I’m an evolutionist (that goes without saying!). I will also not accept that women are in any way inferior to men, even if I will accept we are different, of course. Crucially, I am also doubtful of human ability to interpret the word of God correctly, even if we are given it. If the most perfect and indescribably wise being asked me to write anything down, would I dare bearing this responsibility? Would I put my name to the Bible, to Koran, to any other sacred text? How can we, in our human fallibleness, ever attempt to interpret the will of the creator?
***
I disagree with many fundamental dogmatic statements, which probably means I should leave. Yet, *in my own life* and those close to me, the Church has done a lot of good, and I know so many fantastically committed and virtuous priests. It’s a really difficult time for any religion, but Catholics in particular, and I see how badly all Catholics are punished because of the behaviour of some.
In truth though, this in itself is not a reason to leave the Church.
No one promised it would be easy.
The fact that people transgress does not mean the faith itself is disproved. I do hope that policies and behaviours of individuals will change and be punished appropriately, where necessary, but I choose to believe it does not mean every Catholic is a disrespectful, cruel, stupid and ignorant person.
***
Fundamental question: does leaving the Church mean losing the faith?
***
How liberating it would be to take off this heavy armour of never-ending guilt. How convenient to assume that morality is completely independent of faith, and we would be just as good human beings if there was no God.
And yet I cannot bring myself to do it; maybe because I cannot prove either way. What I can prove, or testify, are the few (rare) times in my life when I felt the hand of… something. Someone. An entity helping me through very dark times. Was it just the power of my mind? I can’t dismiss that; prayer could very well stimulate parts of our brain responsible for self-belief, optimism, resilience. Could my heart be fooling me when I feel the presence of something so much greater than me, of mercy so powerful and humbling, of love so unconditional and forgiving, that I cannot in my conscience say to myself that there is no God?
I can’t dismiss those times. I cannot say confidently that I never felt God’s presence. Even though so often I wish there simply was no God, after all.
***
Does the Church need to reform itself? Absolutely. Without question.
Would I convert to Catholicism if I wasn’t born into it? I think it’s unlikely.
Will I remain a Catholic if Pope Francis (or future popes) endeavours to tackle the crimes of the modern Church and return it to the roots of true, virtuous and driven by unconditional love Christianity? Maybe. It’s undecided as yet.
Does any of this prove or disprove the existence of God? No. My quest continues.
***
Finally, I mentioned Hitchens before as one of atheists’ favourites. And for good reason; I think he was one of the most intelligent men of this century (and last) and I eat his words up like fresh hot buns from a Polish bakery. I absolutely adore the man and he did so much to make me question my life. But even he, when recalling his conversation with Richard Dawkins at the end of Collision, said this:
To quote:
And then at one point, I think this is not on camera, I said: ‘If I could convert everyone in the world; not convert, if I could convince them to be a non-believer, and I’ve really done brilliantly and there was only one left – one more, and then it’d be done, there would be no more religion in this world, no more deism, theism – I wouldn’t do it.’
And Dawkins said: ‘What do you mean you wouldn’t do it?’
I said: ‘I don’t quite know why I wouldn’t do it. And it’s not just that there would be nothing left to argue with and no one left to argue with. It’s not just that, though it would be that… Somehow, if I could drive it out of the world, I wouldn’t.’
And the incredulity with which he looked at me, stays with me still, I’ve got to say.
..and who am I to disagree with Hitchens.
Pixie,
I don’t have much to say, but to quote blogger Margarita who left this comment on my post today: That there is a connection between God and religion is probably the biggest fraud ever perpetrated on humankind. God left the Church long time ago.
On another note, there is much merits to this post, and I could see it well being Freshly Pressed.
Eric
Margarita’s is a good comment. And indeed, sometimes it feels like the two are completely separate.
I know I’m talking about something that people who are not members of organised religion probably won’t understand. I know it may seem naive. But I have to… I have to accept the fact that this might be just a test.
I’m sure you’ll hear from me if I finally take the step either way.
Oh, and thank you for saying that, Eric, I am glad you liked it and haven’t crushed me completely
Pixie Girl,
I think it is simplistic to say that say something against the Church and you will receive accolades. I think it depends where and in which circles the comments are made. And again, it would be interesting to ask your readers where exactly they come from when it comes to their Church… Personally, I grew up in a practicing Catholic family, who went to Church each Sunday, and prayed, in a very Catholic society… I had my fair dose of religion.
Eric
PS: No reason to crush you. This was well written, and very personal. One can only respect your opinion.
This wasn’t a comment necessarily aimed at you, by the way, when I said it’s enough to say something negative about the Church and people agree with you. And yet, this has been my experience; I am usually the only one daring to take a different stand.
And yet even when I do, as you can imagine, even I am not completely convinced. What I *am* convinced of is that there is a lot of good behind Catholicism, and I want to avoid generalising about it too, if you know what I mean. Simplification goes both ways.
I think you neatly and eloquently summarized a lot of the thoughts I’ve been having since more information on Pope Francis’s background has surfaced. I am not Roman Catholic, but I grew up in a home that loved God and didn’t view other Christian denominations as wrong. There are a lot of reasons why I’m not active in any church now (and by “active”, I mean getting my family out of bed early Sunday morning and schlepping them off to church), but I still really align myself and my ethic with the Church, so it pains me to see the state of the Catholic Church now. I know it was built on Christ, but where is He? Not only the Catholic Church, but many other denominations don’t strive to emulate Him.
But I won’t give up on it. You really nailed it when you said that just because there are transgressors in a faith does not disprove it. The love and joy I have in my life is a product of my spiritual relationship with God, not a product of the evils other “practitioners” commit.
Anyway, needless to say, this was an excellent post and I am really grateful you wrote it because its a huge encouragement to me! Thank you for giving this complex, hard issue such a great treatment!
This is a lovely comment. I respect your commitment to your values and faith; that spiritual relationship is something that can really help us through tough times.
I’m not particularly religious,
I admire your questions and the inner struggle though.
Personally, I think the personal spiritual connection is the way to go. Too often, it seems rigid dogma and ideology causes more trouble than most other things.
Indeed; that’s the issue, isn’t it; one should complement the other rather than obstruct.
Thank-you for sharing your thoughts. I love your questions, your feelings, the wrestle, the tension- your journey. I also have many of the same thoughts and know the difficulty in facing it all sometimes but I appreciate staying with it, seeing where it goes, going to those tough places, probing, taking the good and the bad and seeing where you are in the middle of it. Good luck on your quest.
It is a journey, indeed – thank you very much and hope it’s easier for you;)
Fascinating thoughts. You can really tell that this is something you’re working your way through and that it’s important to you. Very well written.
Thanks Katie! This is a topic very close to my heart.
I’ll say this, Pixie: you got layers, girl.
Well done.
I appreciate that comments, TH.
This sums me up pretty well, Pixie:
“How liberating it would be to take off this heavy armour of never-ending guilt. How convenient to assume that morality is completely independent of faith, and we would be just as good human beings if there was no God.”
Where I differ is that I have never suffered any guilt whatsoever over being a non-believer. I was raised Catholic and subject to 12 years of parochial school or, as I prefer to call my religious education, atheist training. That said, I see believing or not believing as very personal. If I were in the same position as Hitchens to wipe out religion from the world, I wouldn’t, either. I think for many, it does provide solace. Why would I take that away, just because it doesn’t do anything for me? Considering your conflicted feelings, you strike me as someone spiritual, possibly deeply spiritual, but you part ways from the rigidity of church doctrine. The Catholic church is not going to alter itself to accommodate your more enlightened preferences. I have very low hopes that Francis is going to be any improvement over his conservative predecessors. Until this entire stained generation of cardinals dies out (literally) can there be any hope that the Church will ever inch forward. I don’t expect to see that happen in my lifetime, but it could happen in yours.
In my bathroom I have a framed Roz Chast cartoon from The New Yorker called “Upcoming Vatican Announcements”. You might want to check it out:
http://www.art.com/products/p15064112787-sa-i6861681/roz-chast-upcoming-vatican-announcements-new-yorker-cartoon.htm
Thank you for such a fantastic comment. You are right; I may soon lose patience in hope that anything will change soon. And maybe it shouldn’t; it’s not enough that there is pressure for anyone to actually give in to this. So if giving in to pressure would mean it’s not a Catholic Church anymore, perhaps they shouldn’t. But maybe I should.
That print is actually so very good.
What a strange thing for hitchens to say! I would unquestionably do it. And yet, I’ve come to the late conclusion that there’s a role for faith, just not dogma. Ultimately you can’t prove that something is right, you can only believe it – so even an atheist comes back to the irrational at some point. And I am an atheist, by the way.
I respect atheists greatly for their conviction. But of course we all come back to the irrational sometimes.
In fact, one of my favourite sayings by Einstein is: The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious.
We will never understand everything, and that’s okay.
I have a similar feeling that I have to defend being an intelligent and worldly woman and still feel connected to my religion and that it has positive effects on my life and who I am. I don’t see the contradiction.
Nationalism, politics, love, loyalty, etc. have all been behind tons of shameful and atrocious things too and yet for some reason, modern society picks on religion and is unwilling to see the benefits despite the failures.
I’m very glad to hear your opinion about this, and actually it really helps. I also feel like I need to defend my sanity and crucially – my intelligence here. Thank you.
Lapsed Catholic myself – great post – faith isn’t institutionalised in a church or text- it comes from the heart and your attitude to life and those about you. Guilt about faith is a misnomer as I think it is more about letting people down who instilled religion into you in the first place. The church is like any other bureacratic organisation that loses touch with the purpose of its inception and basically exitss to support itself and its own intenral structures. The organisation therefore must survive at all costs. Personal faith can exist quite happily outside any formal structures! I don’t believe in God but do believe in the innate goodness of mankind and the earth. Probably makes me a hippy or somesuch but there you go! Keep them coming.
Aye, I agree that not being in a church does not mean no personal faith. The issue is when you believe the original message is correct, just the church lost its way. Then if you truly believe that message, leaving it is tricky because salvation is linked to it… see what I mean? Kind of a vicious circle. I have for long now not believed only Catholics can be ‘saved’, even if that message is true.
Also, very good point about not wanting to disappoint my family, for example. True. Also the fact that I actually play the piano in church makes it very difficult to leave for obvious reasons! But even then I feel guilty – not even on religious grounds, but not to disappoint all the people, heh. I know, I know…
So much is tied in emotionally on hierarchical principles as well as faith. Be yourself and all that stuff and life is ultimately simpler and more worthwhile.
Christopher Hitchens changed my life and perception. It was a very distinct turning point for me. I became obsessed with him when I stumbled across him. Having been born Catholic, needless to say, I felt pretty heavy when I first started listening to or reading his thoughts. I remember feeling a lot of guilt, but it became impossible for me to dismiss his flawless, sensible logic. The man was a master of common sense, really. I think I’m going to have to revisit some of his lectures now.